18 mensen delen momenten waarover ze ‘nooit meer zullen spreken’. Tip: gebruik nooit de vibrator van je moeder

Iedereen heeft wel één geheim die ze meenemen naar het graf. Wanneer iemand die je liefhebt, bewondert of respecteert je per ongeluk ziet in een moment van kwetsbaarheid, of wanneer dit moment zó vernederend is… dan is het soms het beste om er nooit meer over te spreken. In een recente Reddit-thread werd de vraag gesteld: ‘Wat is jouw ‘zullen we hier nooit meer over spreken’ moment?’. Gebruikers deelden enkele serieus pittige (en hilarische) verhalen.

1. Deze moeder is een ware held…

I got up one night to get some water, and found that my teenage son was in the kitchen getting food. He was behind the kitchen counter, so I could only see him from the waist up. When he came around the counter into the hall, two things happened simultaneously: He noticed me, and his eyes grew wide in horror; and I saw that he was butt-naked except for a pair of socks.

He starts trying to panic-run backwards on the tile floor (imagine Scooby Doo trying to run but getting stuck in place in a flurry of limbs), but ended up slipping and taking a hard seat on the tile. Worst of all, he dropped his Hot Pocket. I made sure he was ok, then went back to bed and laughed my ass off.

Years later, we were driving and reminiscing about funny memories. I said, “Do you remember that night–” and he cut me off with, “Yes.” I didn’t even have to specify which night. We knew, and we were silent.

2. Had je dat maar niet gedaan

In my early teens I used to jerk it on the bed all the time. My bed had a loose board on the headboard that would kind of make this clacking sound to my stroking. As a naive child, I assumed nobody could hear it. Turns out everybody – my older sisters, my mom, dad, and even my aunt who stayed with us a lot – heard me jerking off ALL THE TIME and knew exactly what was going on.

I learned this about 4 years after moving out when we all got together and got drunk one night, and on my way up to the bedroom my drunk-ass mom goes “We don’t want to hear that headboard clanking tonight or you’re going to be washing those sheets!” Everyone laughed.

I was like “wut” and then thought about it all night. Nobody acknowledged it at breakfast. Good GOD that was awful.

3. Doe je ogen maar dicht

Teenage me, going to head out to a friend’s house. Walk into the dining room where my parents were, I thought, finishing dinner.

They were not finishing dinner. They were standing, having sex, right there beside the table. I stopped dead, was about to turn around when my dad looked up, over my mother’s shoulder and eye contact was made for the briefest of moments.

I about-faced and bee-lined it out the door. It has never been spoken of, and, lord willing, never will.

I mean, really? The god-damned dining room, at 6:00 in the evening, in broad daylight, knowing I’m in the house…for fucks’ sake!

4. Pass the bong

Similar to the porn story that’s already been posted, my dad and I have been in a bong-stealing war for several years. I guess it’s over now that I moved out though.

When I was 16 they found my bong and confinscated it, told me they were going to break it and toss it. A few months later, I found it in my dad’s shed, clearly it had been used since I last saw it. It was dirtier, and also it was stored next to some very shitty weed. (Cmon, dad..)

So I took the bong back, and of course he couldn’t say anything because he was supposed to have broken it. But he found it in my car several weeks later and took it again. Then I took it back from a different hiding spot in the shed.

We’ve never mentioned it, and never will.

5. Zag je dat?

I was at a pool party in 8th grade, I think I may have been swimming around or sitting weirdly, but I remember a friend of mine told me “Dude I just saw your dick.”

Me: “No you didn’t”

Friend: “You’re right, I didn’t”

Never spoke about him seeing my dick again.

6. Een gemene zus!

When I scored on the wrong hoop in a basketball game when I was 8. My sister unfortunately never signed the non disclosure agreement.

7. Niets als een moeder-dochter relatie

She smoked weed a bit in high school but obviously hid it from her parents. This one time she came downstairs in the morning to find a joint sitting on the kitchen counter. She knew for sure it wasn’t hers and that she wouldnt be stupid enough to leave one out like that. Her mother soon after walked downstairs and started cleaning up around the kitchen. When she ran into the joint, she paused, locked eyes for a bit with my friend, said “oh uh” and quickly brushed it into her hand and got rid of it. They both pretended it never happened.

8. Eh, ik heb veel vragen…

I put my head in my friends horse mask, only to realize it was where he left all of his used masturbation tissues. It was a bonding moment. I took 3 showers.​​​​​​​

9. Stifflers mom

Saw my friends mom topless by accident. we don’t talk about it. was weird going to his house the next day. could not make eye contact with her after that.

10. Overkomt de beste, toch?

The time I showed my dick to my father because I thought it was shrinking.​​​​​​​

11. Een prima partner

My ex-fiancée peed my bed once. She wasn’t drunk, wasn’t high, wasn’t anything. I just woke up in the middle of the night to her gone and I was laying in a puddle. I thought maybe the roof was leaking, but she came back a few minutes later with a towel. I asked if she spilled something, she said no. So I told her I need to check the ceiling for a leak and she hesitantly admitted it wasn’t rain either. I never made fun of her for it or told anyone.​​​​​​​

12. Awkward…

Me and one of my friends were hanging out when we were probably…. 10 or 11. We went behind an elementary school on the weekend to play and ended up going behind a dumpster and getting naked and looking at each other. We never hung out again and every time we saw each other throughout high school it was a little weird.

13. Het massageapparaat

My mom told me her Hitachi wand was a back massager, it disappeared when she found out I used it as one​​​​​​​.

14. Het hete nichtje

Matched with my cousin on Tinder.

I was like “wow she is ho…. O my god that’s my cousin!” while swiping. It all happened so fast. Same thing must have happened to her because we matched. I just messaged her and said we never speak of this, agreed? And she said agreed. And we’ve never spoken about it. Things are weird around the holidays. We just kinda make eye contact and then one of us finds a reason to leave the room immediatly to go and talk to other family members who we have not matched with on Tinder.

15. Ik heb niets gezien!

My mom walked in on me getting a blowjob in high school. She immediately did a B line in the opposite direction and said ‘I DIDN’T SEE ANYTHING’. Then the girl and I went and ate dinner with them at our dinner table and we never spoke of it again.

16. Wauw…

When my uncle died we were going through his house to clear it. We found 5-6 cameras and checked them to see if there were any photos of him for his mother as she didn’t have many.

Turns out he was into domination and had a large variety of porn quality pictures of himself partaking in his fetish. 60 year old man being dominated by similarly aged males and females. They are seared into my soul.

Myself and my father were checking together and made a pact not to tell anyone else or speak of it again

17. Golden shower

That time I got too drunk 5 years ago and pissed myself. Even I only found out it happened a week ago​​​​​​​

18. Peach en Bowser

My brother and I are close, and we were talking about the weirdest things we have masturbated to. I went first, I told him I’ve watched peach and bowser porn. He looked baffled, then said that was his secret too. We have this bond now and it’s amazing. We always tell our parents “we share something very close” and they always ask what it is but we are never ever going to say it

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